Musings from Sara's deranged life. (AkA "As The Sara Turns.")

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

My Pack with the devil.

It begins again. They promise you one thing, then deliver another. Should we be shocked. Hell no.

I promise a entry of wittism in the near future Tim. Currently my life has provided no muse for such an outlet.
posted by Sara  # 5:15 PM

Thursday, April 15, 2004

Hypothetical question of the day.

Why do the cheap big plastic bottles of booze feel the need to advertise things like .....

"Built-in Pourer"

"Shatter-proof Plastic Container"

"Molded Built-In Handle"

Do they know they are big and cheap and no one else cares about the rest of it?

And on a side note why do all these cool amenities have hyphens in them.

Some things we will never know.
posted by Sara  # 5:54 PM

Saturday, April 10, 2004

Pr0fesi0naIWid0w (7:46:22 PM): bleat
empaladrummer (7:46:37 PM): well, hello to you too.....
Pr0fesi0naIWid0w (7:46:59 PM): bleat bleat
empaladrummer (7:47:23 PM): um............... crack is bad
Pr0fesi0naIWid0w (7:47:42 PM): no it isn't
Pr0fesi0naIWid0w (7:47:45 PM): it makes me happy
empaladrummer (7:48:27 PM): riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight
Pr0fesi0naIWid0w (7:49:34 PM): what
empaladrummer (7:49:59 PM): you're being silly tonight
Pr0fesi0naIWid0w (7:50:09 PM): no
empaladrummer (7:50:42 PM): um............
Pr0fesi0naIWid0w (7:50:56 PM): no
empaladrummer (7:51:21 PM): ROTFLMAO!!:-D
Pr0fesi0naIWid0w (7:51:29 PM): huh
empaladrummer (7:51:44 PM): rollin on the floor laughing my ass off
Pr0fesi0naIWid0w (7:51:50 PM): I got that
empaladrummer (7:51:50 PM): :-D
Pr0fesi0naIWid0w (7:51:51 PM): at what
empaladrummer (7:51:54 PM): you
empaladrummer (7:52:03 PM): you're entertaining
Pr0fesi0naIWid0w (7:52:06 PM): no I'm not
empaladrummer (7:53:27 PM): yur a sheep?
Pr0fesi0naIWid0w (7:53:36 PM): yes
Pr0fesi0naIWid0w (7:53:42 PM): jez thinks I have issues
Pr0fesi0naIWid0w (7:53:50 PM): I take it you are comparing notes
empaladrummer (7:53:55 PM): yes
empaladrummer (7:54:07 PM): where did this come from?
Pr0fesi0naIWid0w (7:54:14 PM): my head
empaladrummer (7:54:29 PM): *think freud* tell me, what brought out the sheep in you?
Pr0fesi0naIWid0w (7:55:05 PM): the need to bleat at some one
Pr0fesi0naIWid0w (7:55:43 PM): why, you are a derivative of a deer
empaladrummer (7:55:57 PM): wtf?
Pr0fesi0naIWid0w (7:56:07 PM): empala----- impala
Pr0fesi0naIWid0w (7:56:14 PM): horned mammal
Pr0fesi0naIWid0w (7:56:19 PM): derivative of a deer
empaladrummer (7:56:21 PM): thankyou mrs. webster
empaladrummer (7:56:30 PM): collegiate? or abridged?
Pr0fesi0naIWid0w (7:56:39 PM): abridged
empaladrummer (7:56:44 PM): ok
Pr0fesi0naIWid0w (7:56:47 PM): I'm written for stupid people

posted by Sara  # 9:25 AM

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Way to funny


posted by Sara  # 2:33 PM

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Momentary Cryptic Message.

Childish remark to go with it. Life isn't fair. I can't have what I want, because what I want was only available for me to have when it wasn't ready for me to have it. Blah. Oh well too late.
posted by Sara  # 8:22 PM

Monday, December 08, 2003

What's the point?

So I just got 52 cents in the mail. A 52 cent check. It is a settlement check from a class action law suit against Citibank and AT&T Universal cards. Let's analyze this. The postage cost 37 cents and I'm sure the paper and envelope to print it on cost at least 16 cents. So really it cost them more to send me this check then the actual amount of it. I really don't understand this, feel free to provide me with some reason why they would do this.
posted by Sara  # 4:49 PM

Thursday, December 04, 2003

I take that back, I have one more thing to say. Actually. It's more of a question. Why is this thing saying I made this posting at 3:28 PM when it is 6:28 P.M.? Okay, now I'm done for now.
posted by Sara  # 3:30 PM
Steve this is for you.

Steve is tired of reading Haiku. So in an effort to make his waning days in the Baltimore Metropolitan area happy ones (the bastard is going to Hawaii for three weeks, may he rot in hell) I decide to type something up.

I don't know whether it will be a cognizant thought or just a series of random sentences, but I doubt he will care cause that is just the kinda of guy Steve is.

Or maybe it will be no thought at all cause I really don't feel like typing, that and I have nothing to really say that is worth anyone's time. Most the things that come out of my head mean nothing but a momentary chuckle and then we move on.

Yeah so that is it for now unless something crawls into my ass or head later tonight.

Sorry Steve this is the best I could do for the moment.

posted by Sara  # 3:28 PM

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

HaiKu's Cause I can!!!!!

Problems with power
computers keep shutting down
my feet are stinky

Your feet are stinky
You should wear your shoes and socks
Try soap and water

Wearing hoses and shoes
and I bathe them this morning
somehow they still stink

Stockings make you stink
There is no way around this
Odors eaters, Please

Thanks for the advice
Odor Eaters awesome call
can't sit with this smell

Feet are funny things
Curvy and smelly and odd
What was God thinking?

posted by Sara  # 6:32 PM

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

Fuzzy black Sweater
Sheds all over the damn place
I should throw it out

And it begins now
The return of the haiku
We are all insane

It's Monday morning
Turkey Day is on Wednesday
Thank God for short weeks

Turkey Day??? Oh Joy.
The family and yelling kids
Gin Mill Thursday night?

Gin Mill on Thursday.
Some of us must work Friday
Damn Slack ass loser

Just because we have
Real jobs do not chastise us
Work for a real firm

Damn slack ass losers
Need to find productive work
I wish I were rich

I have a real job
Just don't have any days off
Damn Seniority

Watching others work
Wish I could be productive
This is so boring

Sara misses point
Corporate America
Goal is not to work

Independent Wealth
I pray for it every day
Work is such a drag

Mega Millions
Jackpot worth twenty-one mil
Go buy a ticket

Bought ticket last week
Didn't win a damn thing
Curse the lottery

Yes sometimes lotto
Is viewed as tax on stupid
What does that make you?

Perhaps desperate
Is a better term for those
Who play the lotto.

Lottery, why not?
Work nets so little
Great gains but no reward.

Ignorant students
cannot conjugate a verb
"be" is all purpose

somewhere, someone pays
for creative thought
Whiskey, English Lit.

Haiku will not die
Our souls are enmeshed by angst
Corporate horror

Girl is so damn big
The Earth Shakes everytime she walks
Stop eating fast food

You can't see your feet
Stop vibrating things off desks
Try a damn salad.

To the fat person
Food does not equal fatness
Must be genetic

Fast food is healthy
Grease is good for your body
Do you hear yourself?

Need to sleep at night
Ten minute nap on the toilet
That takes good balence

Ah the need for sleep
I too am possessed by it
No rest for wicked

Sleep overrated
That is what caffeine is for
Sleep when you are dead

Oh the joy of it
Waking up above the grass
Death is full of worm

posted by Sara  # 3:59 PM

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Corporate America

It strikes me that I have not made an entry in a long time. This is mainly due to my temporary lack of technology and lack of a working computer. So now that I have a functional computer and a fast as hell connection I can update.

So this week I joined corporate America. After two weeks of phone calls leading to voice mail messages and no return calls I finally found out when I was scheduled to start. So Monday I get there and am stuck watching someone else work. Late Tuesday afternoon I found out that this will be my job for the next two weeks, to sit and watch someone else and to run to the printer and get things and then fax them woo woo. This is the case until the actual training class in December. As Dr. Lee would say in very broken English "So, I think to my self that this does not make any sense to me, is it cost effective to pay four people to do nothing for two week, I do not understand this."

although life is good, I have finally charmed the IT guy to get me a working computer and working email. So at last I'm a half real person.

Now I just have to charm someone into driving me to the airport after work so I can get home 45 minutes earlier. The trip to work isn't so bad it only takes and hour and a half. And I found out this morning that the light rail trip to work allows for an extra hour of sleep. This was tested accidentally when I felt a nudge that woke me up when the train got to the airport this morning. Thank god the gentleman was nice enough to wake me up or else I would have ended up home again. That would not have look so great on the first week of work even though I'm sitting around doing nothing.

As a wise man told me "Welcome to Corporate America where you get paid to do nothing." (OK, it was Steve and he is a wise ass not a wise man.)
posted by Sara  # 8:35 PM
Pasta Bake

Pasta Bake is the lazy man's lasagna less some cheese.
posted by Sara  # 8:20 PM

Monday, September 15, 2003

Random Links gather by Tim, MC WHite Chocolate(http://www.livejournal.com/users/diphthong/)

posted by Sara  # 7:14 PM
I Got a Gold Star

There is something unnerving about getting a gyno exam while discussing the passing game of Jamal Lewis. It is almost as unnerving as the phone ringing in the middle of the breast exam, to tell her the landscaper had blown all the fuses at the house. Excuse me can this conversation wait until I’m not lying here naked. Gyno: “Well there seems to be no lumps in this one, let’s check the other. Oh, and how about those Raven’s.” Me: “Yes, it was a good game” Gyno didn’t someone break a record or something” Me: “Jamal Lewis” Gyno: “I can’t believe that he ran that many yards in one game. Oh okay let’s see what’s going on down here. Oh, wow. Where all those down there last year (speaking of my piercings)?” Me: “No, they are new” Gyno: Good, I normally write things like that down, It was hard to believe I miss them. You get a Gold Star, that’s the most I have seen down there.”

At this point the conversation goes on to tell of the horribly infected and nasty piercings she has had to cut out. Something about a barbell ball falling off one end and the rocket scientist trying to take it out and causing the remind ball to become lodged in the opening. All of this is nothing I needed to hear while getting a PAP Smear that for damn sure. I did however learn that there is no need to take them out for child birth. When I was recite a story about how some 18 year pregnant girl came in with one and wasn’t sure if she should take it out. The gyno, being that they don’t teach them these things in medical school, figure it would be fine and they left them in. Maybe there should be a class on how to deal with silver appendages, I’m sure there is cause for it nowadays.

posted by Sara  # 7:52 AM

Friday, September 05, 2003

Here is a random Quiz, very random. Feel free to respond and send your answers to me at Pr0fesi0naIWid0w@yahoo.com.

1.What is your name?

2. What is your quest?

3. What is your favorite color?
a. Yellow
b. Blue

4. What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

5. Yes I’m obsessed with that movie; cuz John Cleese is a sexy biatch (not so much). Pray tell which movie am I speaking of? (This is a gimme).

6. What’s the difference between a ducK?

7. Exactly, oppression of the duck man!!!!! So, what’s the purpose of Braille at a drive up ATM then?

8. Go to www.google.net and enter the search term "jezika" then click the "I’m feeling lucky button". Translate this page's title.

9. A purple emu walks into a bar and sits next to you. It asks you to buy it a drink. What do you buy it? Do you take it home for unmentionable things after you have bought it 6 drinks?

10. How many drinks should it take to make a straight guy curious *wink wink*? Provide empirical data to support your hypothesis.

11. For our information, what hotel are we staying at this weekend? We are tools and don’t know.

12. If Peter piper picked a peck of pickled peppers how many pecks of pickled peppers did he pick if the perfectly parked in poised position port-a-pott plummeted onto Peter’s pickled peppers poisoning the peppy produce?

13. Should there be a question number 13?

14.Write a haiku involving a domesticated animal, a brand name, a device used for some nasty medical operation, and the word 'insertion.

15. You are MacGuyver. You have a tampon, a speculum, 4 moose hairs, a piece of gum, and hard-boiled egg. What will you make and how?

16.Name ten things that a Hermit Thrush does in the course of 12 hours.

17. In 20 words or less define hypobetalipoproteinemia.

18. Do you like my prolapsed rectum?

19. I know you want to lick it... so give me the name of three French whores and their relationship to you.

20.Is it normal to pick your nose and eat your findings in your sleep? If so name the disorder that cause this occurrence?

21. Ask the person nearest to you what they think of genetically-modified tomatoes.

22. How many ghosts are in the movie thirteen ghosts?

23. Who is John Galt?

24. What about Bob?

25. Who’s on first?

26. The chick or the egg?

27. Oppression of the duck again! Why is it always gotta be about the chicken?

28. I wanna be an airborne ranger. Do you?

29. Why, or why not?

30. Who’s your caddy?

31. Who’s your daddy?.... I'm not the baby’s fadda.

32. Describe the similarities and the differences between Tim Carney and Circus Carnies.

33. If you people use used tea bags for mosquito bites, do they work for genital warts too? I like tea.

34.Define Commie Bastard:
A. Someone who ignores the existence of Mapquest
B. Band Dork whose instrument is the radio
C. The cow saying "Eat Mor Chiken"
D. Tim and Sara

35. Use protuberance and geriatric in the same sentence.

36. The TV news presenter's eyes seem to be following you as you move around the room. How do you respond?

37. What is likely to occur if the spotted shit pile fell over, and the matador came in with a long stick?

38. Provide at least seven uses for Nyquil.

39. What brand of soap do you use?

40. If you could have any vanity plate for you car what would it be?

41. Ce n’est pas de la tete de veau?

42. What would you risk to save your tortillas?

43. If I weighed five hundred pounds would you still love me?

44. What does a Gland Slam include?

45. How long can a person remain conscious after being decapitated?

46. How long has she been calling you a puento?

47. Which of these phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:

a. "Yeah, baby, push- it!"
b. "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
c. "Another set and we can hit the showers."
d. " Nice arse, are you a Sagittarius?"
e. All of the above.

48. True or False: The morning after you and a hottie, who was formerly "just a friend,” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail them again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

49. Is it safe for two men to share an umbrella and why or why not?

50. True or False: Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a conquest your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it.

51. Riddle me this Batman: What's stronger than God, more evil than the Devil, the poor have it and the rich want it, and if you eat it you die? (I don’t know the answer to this…..if you can figure it out more power to you, I just wanted to say riddle me this. I think I say it again. Riddle me this Batman.)

52. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

53. What is the primary ingredient in Windex?

54. What ailments can Windex cure?

55. What is that statutory time period within which you are required to bail a friend out of jail, unless he murdered someone in your immediate family.

56. What is the estimate number of times in a day that Chuck’s boss walks up to his desk forcing him to abruptly sign off while in a very important conversation about the price of tea in China?

57. What is the price of China in tea?

58. Name at least two tools necessary for a chick to have sex with Chuck.

59. True or False: The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer except when being helped by a Canadian where a bottle of rye should be offered. Brand and size of the bottle is directly proportionate to total mass of unused weight set and number of stairs from basement that the set must be moved from and to.

60. You see some one with their zipper down, what do you do?

61. How many interventions are required before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on their significant other before they are able to get on their feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "Sven OFF!" and then you are absolved of your of responsibility?

62. Should it be against the law to consume the last cookie in the cookie jar? Why or why not?

63. If you were a cow, would you be a dairy cow, a meat cow, or a stud.

64. If it is free, can you bitch about it?

65. How much does the crack hoe on 21st street cost?

66. Who shall be held responsible for this monstrosity (this quiz and or the crack hoe listed above)?

67. Does someone have to be accountable?

68. Can we stop now?

69. Should we have stopped at 50?

posted by Sara  # 5:16 PM

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

For those of you that are under the misconception that Amy and I have a real job on any level, I relate the following story:

We work at a law firm, as low man on the totem pole. We sit all day and type letters up as we listen to the damn dictaphone. Quite mind numbing. So when you come across an amusing portion of a tape that makes you laugh aloud you share with the world. Amy was the lucky recipient of this piece of work.

(Mark on the dictophone in a silly voice) "In the *Name remove for privacy's sake* file, another oldy but goody, please take a letter to Mr. Wilson. You can get the address and Re. out of the file (still in silly voice)... *jen (being the third low man on the totem with a nice angle into Mark's office) shoots rubber band at him*

"Dear Mr. Wilson colon paragraph, you will find that I *ping* am now under fire, please send in the calvary. I am now hiding under my desk... thank you"

The ability to fire rubberbands at your boss (even when you nail him in his chrome dome) is a beautiful thing. But beware the boss in question is known for becoming a sniper and picking you off from behind a pile of files (maybe this is why Jen builds walls).

posted by Sara  # 11:56 AM

Monday, August 18, 2003

It has recently come to my attention that I’m going to hell. As I was heading into a friend’s house I was accosted by a blue sheet of paper which fell from his door. I picked it up as to not litter (cause I know littering is a bad thing punishable by a fine). So as I am standing there while Dan feeds Oliver I begin to read and it becomes apparent that I’m going to miss heaven. The propaganda is title “Ten ways to Miss Heaven,” and they don’t take long to let you know what they are. It reads:

“It’s easy. It comes naturally. Just be one or more of the following types of persons: 1. A fornicator. 2. An idol worshipper. 3. An adulterer. 4. A homosexual. 5. A sodomite. 6. A thief. 7. Covetous (greedy). 8. Drunkard. 9. Reviled (slandered). 10. Extortioner.”

Wow! My first thought is the fellow or fellette that wrote this lovely piece of literature has got to be the most boring person on the face of this plant. I thought Martha was pretty damn boring, but apparently even she has missed the boat.

You never really make it past that first sentence when you are reading this thing. It goes on to quote the bible to support the 10 ways to miss heaven. I would however be nice if these folks would also include all the stuff I learned in Sunday School when I was 7 about how God forgives and Jesus dies for our sins.

At the end of this piece of paper which seems to be my one way ticket to hell, they state “This paper may be copied and distributed Freely.” In my opinion it should also read of “Free feel to burn is paper in effigy due to its one-sidedness and narrow-mindedness.”

posted by Sara  # 9:28 AM

Thursday, July 31, 2003

Adventures In Higher Learning

It has become ever so clear exactly what my tuition dollars pay for. The expert help you receive for places like the cashier’s office and the bookstore.

Today, being a week before my tuition was due I decided to venture over to school and arrange to be kept on the roll sheets on the first day of class. In order to do this I was to set up deferred payment (i.e. pay one-third the tuition now, one-third four weeks after class starts and the final third four weeks after that). In June, I had tried to do this, I took the cashier $100.00. I was trying to think ahead. However, at that point I was told “we can’t set that up now, you will have to wait until the last minute and do it in August.” So much for being prepared.

So today, I go and a very lovely girl starts to help me, too bad math was not her strong point. I’m glad this is the girl that BCCC has chosen to work with money. So she goes into the system to find out how much my tuition is to divide by three, and see how much I need to pay to start the deferment. She comes back, $371.00. I then remind her no that is not the total and she had to add $100.00. It is at this point, that the confusion starts to set in. I have already at this point done the math in my head and come up with $471.00 as the total tuition, one-third being $157.00. So today I know I have to paid $77.00 ($157.00 minus the original $100.00 plus the $20.00 fee for the deferment) and I pull out another $5.00 cash, since I have already written my check for $75.00 before leaving the office, again trying to think ahead and be prepared. So I turn to her and hand my money through. “No, I’m not ready for your money I still have to figure out how much you total tuition is.” Come on lady, how hard is it to add $100.00 to something. So I sit there and let her catch up to me. Twenty minutes later this happens. So we fill out the form with all the numbers and then she prompts me to hand my money through. So she goes to the computer and puts the payments in and comes back with me receipts and tells me to have a lovely day. I look down and it says my balance is $211.00. I was going to walk away very fast before she realized her mistake, then I rethink. So I say to her “shouldn’t my balance be $311.00?”

“Let me look at it,” she says, yeah lady you screwed up. She applied the original hundred from June, again. Again, my math skills being light years beyond hers figure this out before her. She takes another 25 minutes and two calls to the Liberty Campus for advice.

Meanwhile a line is piling up behind me and the reinforcements are called in. The other cashier takes the guy behind me; he wants a bus pass (he tells us this in an unidentified accent signifying himself as a foreigner). She asks him very slow and loud (because we all know the louder we talk and the slower we talk makes people who don’t know English instantly understand it), “ARE… YOU… TAKING… CLASSES… NOW?” He looks confused and walks away. So I turn and look behind me, seems to be a young lady of the orient, hmmm wonder what she wants? “Can I help the next person in line?” “Yes, bus pass.” So again we get the slow drawn out question about the current enrollment status, no dice oriental chick isn’t taking classes in the summer; she isn't enrolled in BCCC at all. So then we get our third candidate; he simply walks to the window and holds up his current bus pass. This time she doesn’t ask about classes, she goes with the ever popularly, “You speaka de English.” He says “Brazil.” I have been reduced to a fit of hysterics at this point, and she asks me if I know Spanish. I pointed out that to communicate with some one from Brazil, one would need to know Portuguese not Spanish. The cashier walks away, leaving this poor guy standing there holding his bus pass on the window.

So my focus they returns to my $100.00, hoping that L'Hopital perhaps has figured out the math yet. Shockingly enough, she hasn’t. Shaking my head I begin to help explaining it slowly. It is now been about an hour and a half. I am not sure how it happened but be some grand miracle “we” get it figured out. She thanks me for my time and patience. Yeah, this is my lunch HOUR lady, not a problem. So I smiled and told her not a problem and thanked her for be so helpful (in wasting my time).

So I venture next to the bookstore, maybe they have employed smarter people to help me figure out what books I'm going to need. So I go in get in line behind three very large planets in moo-moos purchasing large quantities of soda and candy. Get to the front, “Hi, I need to know what books I need to get, I don’t want them now, I just need to know the costs so I can starting setting it aside and plan ahead.” This is a foreign concept to this school. “I can’t help you with that I’m stocking those books now.” “Oh, so you have a list of books that correspond to classes?” “Yes.” “So, how is it that you can’t help me, if you possess such a list.” He looks at me dumbfounded. I shook my head and asked him politely when the information I needed would be available. Again with the dumbfounded look. Hmm…He needs simpler. “When can students buy books?” “Oh, a few days before classes start.” Yeah, so guess I’m waiting. It is really great to have such people with such mental capacity provide such awesome customer service at a institute of higher learner (choking on those words).

posted by Sara  # 6:45 PM

posted by Sara  # 6:44 PM

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

Lies .....It tells Lies.

So gym scales, I have decided, tell lies.

After a month absence at the gym I get on the scale and it tells me I have managed to lose 10 pounds in a month without the gym. So my first thought is why am I paying for gym. My second thought is that the scale must be fibbing.

So now I stand naked in the locker room of the gym screaming at the scale......"Lies, you tell lies." It is at this point that someone else walks into the locker room to witness my insanity. Big shocker since my insantiy seldom goes unnoticed. So I quietly get off the scale and dressed for work, hoping that this woman that has invaded my tirade is someone in on convention and not a member so we should never meet again.
posted by Sara  # 5:01 PM
Welcome to my Blog...........

Watch this place for updates....

Same Bat time ...

Same Bat Channel.
posted by Sara  # 4:43 PM


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